Gatineau/Ottawa
18 October 2002

 

New members joining us this week are:

Martin Gledhill from West Yorks, UK

Rupert Snell from Lincoln, UK

Welcome to the OBA!

 

From:     Chris Clarke, Burlington ON, Canada cj.clarke@cogeco.ca
Date:      11 Oct 2002 11:02
Subject:  A Fat Albert on Lester B Pearson's Runway (Toronto)

Hiya Tony!

Thought I'd let you know I was still alive and enforcing the Queen in Right of Canada's peace!

I was coming past the airport a few weeks ago on the 401 (mega-highway/motorway through Toronto and suburbs) when my snapper pointed out a Herc revving up on the end of the runway, brought the hairs up on the back of my neck as I drove nearly parallel to it as it did the v1,v2, rotate thing. I watched it disappear Limey-land bound, into the great blue yonder.
It was there to support the Red Sparrows, who despite the fact that they were there basically to flog the aircraft to the totally broke and hardly functioning Canadian Military went down really well at the Toronto Air Show.

Nick recognizes Hercs as my good woman's parents have a cottage right on Lake Ontario (Presquile Bay) which is at the 10 mile marker for CFB Trenton, home of 8 Wing and the CF Hercules fleet, and we see the CF flying about when their paycheques come in enabling them to buy fuel to fly for a few days a month. I'm toying with the idea of Tacevalling them as I'm sure there is at least one person I know from my days in Goose Bay and some of the Hardfall deployments we did with AMU in Norge.

Further, I managed to scam my way into Copp’s Coliseum in Hamilton where Aunty Betty Windsor was presenting the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders of Canada  (who were much better behaved and less frightening and 'hairy jock-like' than their sister Regiments in that oppressed corner of the Empire - Scotland) their new Regimental and Queen's Colour.  I was in my No.1 cop gear with a 40 caliber Beretta under my armpit and I was about 3 feet from HM the Boss during the ceremony.

She was very pleasant, my first time seeing her in the flesh, really easy going, not like I expected. The Canadians loved her, it was like Madonna or Oasis had come into the stadium, 17,000 colonials screamed with anticipation, it was really quite amazing.
Shiela Copps (the Heritage Minister in an increasingly unpopular and anti-Military government) was on hand and I'm sure she could not have missed the point on the Monarchy's popularity and the publics unfettered enthusiasm towards the Queen and the distinctly Militaristic display before them. Good stuff man!

Anyway, I'll send you a signal from the GTA, once the Greater Toronto Area , now renamed the Greater Throne Area, in the not too distant future!

Cheers

Pig Clarke UKMAMS 1980-1986,
Delta Team 1983-1986,
JATE 1986-88,
RAFU Goose Bay 1988-1990,
Greater Manchester Police 1991-1994
Halton Regional Police 1995-present. (PC Plod-Canada)

Burlington Ontario
The Dominion of Canada

[Ed:  Thanks Pig!   We hadn't heard from you in so long.....]

 

From:     Jack Riley, Urangan Qld., Australia jjriley@ozconnect.net
Date:      11 Oct 2002 03:49
Subject:  Briefs

Dear Tony

Another great Briefs...well done.

I would enjoy meeting Dave Webb....he seems to have followed me around albeit some years adrift (you'll remember that I opened AMS Labuan). As for "now approaching old age " tell him he's yet a mere boy and there is bad news.....it gets worse.
 
John Holloway has produced a tour de force (translation....wot a lotta writing...cor ) on the York. Well done.
 
And Charles Collier has joined the team. My crew had an excuse. Just about all Movers were ex- aircrew immediately after the war.
 
Despite all that the Taxman and the government can do we still enjoy the odd coldie on the patio (we're only up to 27 degrees so far and no rain for nine months or so....great excuse) Oz travellers note.
 
Yours
 
Jack 

[Ed:  Thanks Jack... I note your summer is arriving, whereas we're just getting ready for our winter.... I need a new pair of mukluks.... actually I'm going out to buy them on Saturday]

 

From:     Jack Riley, Urangan Qld., Australia jjriley@ozconnect.net
Date:      11 Oct 2002 03:49
Subject:  Dumbest Jokes Ever

Dear Young Tony

Many moons ago you asked the question (rhetorical  ?) "Should I do away with the Humour Section?  You will notice that, in my normal fashion, I rushed to reply!!  It may be helpful (too late?) to say that I have now come to the conclusion that you
have been doing such a great job slotting the odd funny into the Briefs that you've answered your own question.

The problem with a permanent section is that it quickly goes out of date. Jokes are like some wives....here today...a bit of a giggle for a while....gone tomorrow. Duck !! Ouch !! I'm sure we can all come up with enough fodder to allow you to slot in the odd light relief among the heavier items.

Here are a few to start with.  I'm sure John and Jean Bell can keep you supplied until well in to 2005 !!


Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

”Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer-phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two fish are in a tank  One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

[Ed:  Groan! ]

 

From:     Charles Mchugh Chaz_Mq@btinternet.com
Date:      12 Oct 2002 04:20
Subject:  Aviation Art SITE UPDATE

Global Aviation Art are pleased to announce that several new pictures are available for your perusal at:
 
http://www.artistic.flyer.co.uk/latest.htm
 
Including a Puma HC1 helicopter, Comet airliner, and a Gypsy Moth biplane.
 
Regards
 
Charles McHugh
Global Aviation Art
http://www.artistic.flyer.co.uk

[Ed:  Thanks Chas....  the picture of the Argosy is looking good too!]

 

From:     Charles Collier, Marlborough, UK PertinE4@aol.com
Date:      13 Oct 2002 08:55
Subject:  More Memories of Changi

Hi Tony.

Dave Webb's reminisces of Changi and what happened to the local guard put me in mind of my deputy DAMO Alan Henchoz.

On this occasion Alan was temporally moved to another shift and one evening the DAMO told Alan to go to the Herc which was being loaded on the far side of the ac parking pans. This Herc was taking a lot of manpower and time to load and the chock time was fast approaching!  Here I must explain that the parking pans were separated by a storm drain some six feet wide and nearly as deep. There was a taxi lamp at the beginning of the drain, and if I remember correctly, some black and yellow signs along the length of the drain to warn of it's presence. The whole area was floodlit so the drain was well lit even at night.

Anyway, Alan was sent to sort out the Herc on the far pans. He jumped into the staff car and drove straight as the crow flies to the Hercules! He hit the drain at about 20 mph; the car's front end dropped into the drain and CRASH. How he wasn't killed we shall never know but he was seriously injured including facial damage to his mouth. He was away for a number of weeks but thankfully made a full recovery. It just shows you that no matter how important a job is you must always pay attention to the details of how to go about it.

Years later I was based at HQSTC High Wycombe and I was taking a train from Banbury station. Lo and behold standing on the platform was Alan Hechoz. He had left the RAF some years back and had a job with the Argos organisation as a distribution manager.

Many regards

Charles

[Ed:  Keep 'em coming Charles!]

 

From:     Joe Hanke, Newark CA, USA ESKIMO3883@aol.com
Date:      13 Oct 2002 09:11
Subject:  Question on RAF Item from Masirah

Hi,

I have the snout from a large Sawfish about 3 feet long and covered with teeth. It has the words "R.A.F Masirah" hand painted with white letters followed by small drawing of a sea turtle. It looks like it is at least 20 or 30 years old but could be almost any age. I purchased it from someone in England. Would you know anything about this item?

Joe Hanke
Newark California, USA

[Ed:  Anyone?]

 

From:     Brian Edwards Brian.J.Edwards@btinternet.com
Date:      16 Oct 2002 3:00
Subject:  Khormaksar


Hello Tony,

My name is Brian Edwards, you don't know me, but I was told to get in touch with you by Merfyn Phillips as he thinks you might be able to help me.

There is a Photo on the OBA web site of an Honour Guard out in Khormaksar Aden.  It’s in the Khormaksar Article’s first photo page and is of SAC Whittle’s Burial.

Anyway to get to what I am trying to say. The guy second from left at the back with the glasses, looks so much like me its spooky.  I know that it’s not me because as far as I can remember I never went on any military funerals while I was out at Khormaksar, and in any case I was out there 1960 to 62.

Can you help me to find this Guy, as I would like to see just how well or badly the years have treated him, and if he still looks like me.

Thanks in advance for any help you or any of your UKMAMS members might be able to give me.

Brian Edwards

[Ed:  I guess that would be scary - especially with Hallowe'en coming up!  Does anybody recognize this character?]

 

From:     Phil Clarke, Vienna, Austria philipp.clark@laudaair.com
Date:      17 October 2002 05:06
Subject:  Movers and 50th pre-union

Hi Tony,

Well what turned out to be a small get together on the 9th October of 50th Brats turned out to be movers only, and most being your Old Boys.

Present on Parade:

Tony (Tosh) Dunphy
Keith (Willy) Wilson
Bobby Atcheson
Bill Kearney
Not Quite Tommy Mulligan
& yours truly

When I worked for Lockheed in Saudi, a new guy arrived on the scene, Tony Mulligan (very NI), I said 'I joined up with a guy called Tommy Mulligan, he looks a bit like you' - he said 'Yes he's my big brother'.  Tony joined as an App Brat 30?th entry, and went on to become a Mover.

When Bobby met me at Liverpool Street Station, there was a very suspicious looking character stood behind him (looked like his minder).  Yup sure enought it was Tony, when Tommy heard about our meeting, he phoned Tony and told him to contact Bobby, and so it came to pass.

Tosh, Willy and Bill were waiting for us in Dirty Dicks, and believe me, the years just dissolved - it was as though we'd seen each other only weeks ago.

We quickly had to have a vote to elect Tony a honorary member of the 50th so he could stay and buy us lots of beer, this was done and included a phone call to Tommy in Belfast.  We all had a chat with him, so I'm not looking forward to getting my next mobile bill.

Tosh was in fine form, and reminded me that we met at Manchester Piccadilly before arriving at Hereford on that fateful day one.  Apparently I saw the identifying baggage labels, lent out of the window and in broad Lancashire said 'Hey up lad, are you joining up - come in here with us'.  Apparently I'd already met up with Alan Liptrot - we probably spent the rest of the
journey planning how we would single handedly sort out the RAF. 

Willie looked very dapper, and hasn't put on a single lb since Hereford, Bobby also still looks as fit as a butcher's dog.  Bill you'll all be pleased to hear has not shrunk in the wash, but has expanded a little in the nether regions.

I cannot recall too many of the conversations, we were going backwards and forwards like a fiddler's elbow, but old photos kept coming out, and Bobby had a Christmas Menu from Hereford with my signature on the thing (naturally signed LBA).

We drank steadily from 6.30 then around 9, Tosh & Bill had to leave for their train to Swindon, Willy was staying at the UJ Club. 

At 1030 Dirty Dicks closed, so we went next door for a last one, then I had to leave for the last train to Stansted at 2300.  All went much too fast - but was as magic a night as I've had in many a long year.

BUT IT'S NOT OVER TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS!

You'll recall when I gave the dates I said it was and/or.  Well it is AND, and I will be departing VIE tomorrow at 1830Z for a week in Dublin.

New Venue - Belfast

Date - To be confirmed.  Probably Sunday 20th.

Current attendees: Tommy Mulligan, Nobby Clarke

Just spoken with Tommy and we're ready to rumble.

I'll get a train from Dublin to Belfast and night stop.

Who's coming?

Hope lots turn up - open invite to all old boys - brats and movers alike.

Cheers Phil

[Ed:  Thanks Phil]

 

From:     Dibs Loveridge, Brough, UK ben@loveridge.karoo.co.uk
Date:      17 Oct 2002 17:59
Subject:  A.G.M. and MAMS Open Day

Well, here it is, a little late perhaps, only about 7 weeks after the event.

Spider Jolley and myself travelled down on the Friday to partake in the meet and greet. I had fogotten how boring that journey from Yorkshire to Wilts was, so I was glad of the company. Our first obstacle was getting on to the camp itself. Seems none of the gatestaff were aware of the meet and greet, so we sat waiting for several phone calls to be made before clutching our passes and leaving for the Squadron.

Up to MAMS Ops. Dunc Andrews up there did the honours, even getting me a sleeping bag from MAMS Stores, I usually forget something. I usually leave something as well! Our proposed accommodation was a tent at the back of J5. However, an anonymous benefactor got us rooms at the Route Hotel, made the weekend so much better.

Up to the meet and greet. Well, the Squadron is lucky enough to have a well set up bar in part of the old Sqn stores. A big vote of thanks to Ian Hambleton for running the bar the whole weekend.15 years since we last met, seemed like only the week before. (Ian, send me your e-mail address!)

The evening was well attended, not too many old boys, but plenty of current personnel, there seems to be an awful lot of girls in the trade. At a pound a pint, it made for a cheap night. On looking around at midnight, there was only Spider, myself and the bar staff left, so we let them get home.

Saturday was AGM time, we found it eventually, there being a venue change. Yes, that really was Mick Day on the front row, not Jimmy Greaves as many thought. Rather disconcerting was a young chap,  who gave a long speech who in fact turned out to be OC MAMS. I must be getting old. Several ideas were bounced around, I will let those filter through official channels.

After Colin Allen issued the free burger and beer chits, it was off to the open day. The weather was excellent, the display itself muted I think with so many personmnel away on long detachments, but the beer tent was as busy as could be expected. My only crticicsm would be the distance to the toilets, rather important with a filbert flange as weak as mine.

Then, we learned of a Sqn b-b-q at the bar in the evening, another bonus! After a combat shower it was back to the bar. An excellent evening’s entertainment and free, though sometimes undercooked food, and lots more beer.

Sunday, well,  it was the trip back North to reality. A great weekend, and thanks are due to..Ian H. as mentioned, Paddy Power, Steve Gardner, OC MAMS (I won't say what for!) Colin Allan, Terry Roberts, whose persistance prised subs out of Spider and myself, and anyone I've missed out.

Spider and I had a great weekend, and we plan to go back next year. Overall, I found that Lyneham was quiet, almost deserted. It seems many staff commute from homes far away, work their shift cycles, then back home for standown

That's it for now. look forward to the next newsletter.

Dibs.

[Ed:  Good report....  centered around the availability of the brown stuff I note!]

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

Well, that's it for this week

Have a great weekend!

Best regards

Tony